My mum refuses to get a job - and I’m paying for her food

A 20-year-old student, whose mother keeps taking his money, feels trapped by her and doesn’t know what to do. Mariella Frostrup says he needs to lay down some rules…
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma I love my mum, but she is seriously pushing me. She has zero money, is very deep into her overdraft and spends money on the most absurd things. I have to pay for her food out of my student loan, but she refuses to get a job. She just sits at her desk all day sharing junk on Facebook. I try to be polite and understanding, but whenever I say something about this she accuses me of being “verbally abusive”. She cannot take any criticism even though it is clearly constructive. I appreciate that it’s hard for a parent to receive advice from their 20-year-old son, but should I just leave her to wallow?

Mariella replies I have a theory. There comes a point in every child’s life when you reach the same level of maturity as one or both of your parents. It can take many years to appreciate that the dynamic has significantly altered and is often at the epicentre of other problems between you and your creators.

Generally, once you’ve passed that critical juncture the disparity increases, and parents can feel like an increasing problem the older we (and they) get. Eventually it can feel like you’re dealing with bloody-minded toddlers, which is yet another of life’s little ironies. Once your paths have diverged, you continue becoming a more responsible adult and they become increasingly irresponsible, relying on you for everything you once needed from them.

As with all relationships it’s entirely subjective and experienced at a different age and in disparate ways by each of us. As a phenomenon it’s curiously similar to the trauma experienced by parents when their children finally embrace independence and leave home, and offers further proof that we live not in a linear way but a circular pattern.

For slow developers it can take well into your 40s or 50s before you catch up with Mum and Dad – some never do – while for others it can happen at a poignantly precocious point in childhood. I’ve seen serious little eight-year-olds trying to negotiate the responsibilities of caring for the unreliable adults in their lives. It’s heartbreaking to witness.

Luckily you’ve managed to reach first base in terms of adulthood before having such unwelcome duties thrust on you, and while it’s not an easy burden to shoulder, there are definitely ways of making it less hard. You’re old enough to cope far better than the youngsters I just described.

Plenty feel unfettered by genealogical lineage and focus purely on their own forward momentum. Personally, I’m for walking a middle line. There’s enough drama around us without whipping it up in your closest circle if it’s avoidable. Few of us don’t aspire to close relations with our families. That sort of solid familial ground to launch yourself into life from is enviable and surely merits reciprocal treatment when the baton is passed from the older to the younger hand. That’s in a perfect world, which this is not!

For many of us the perils of our parents in close proximity are a torture, and tangible distance – emotionally and even geographically – is the only respite. Choosing to bring a child into this world and later giving them no option but to parent you is not a fair deal, but behaving magnanimously out of guilt, shame or expediency isn’t a healthy option either, and resentment takes a similar toll on all within its catchment.

Many of us, once we surpass our parents’ ability to act like responsible adults, need to separate from them, even if it’s just to establish acceptable boundaries on both sides. Your story suggests it’s time for you to draw a line between your mother’s expectations and what you are prepared to offer. She needs to look beyond her computer screen and take responsibility for a life that’s not even half lived (hopefully).

Meanwhile, your energies will benefit you both much better in the future if at present they are directed to your studies and the enriching experience of living life on your own terms. It will come as little surprise to you that your parent isn’t perfect. I suspect straight talking and direct action may be your best accomplices in achieving mutual understanding here. Good luck.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk.

Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1

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