I can’t climax while standing up

I’m a healthy 23-year-old male. The other day my girlfriend decided to surprise me while I was having a shower. I have never been able to climax when standing, even when masturbating, and despite her ministrations, I couldn’t climax there in the shower. Is this normal?

Be creative. Such “surprises” can simply be regarded as foreplay, and your best response is to enjoy the erotic charge, but not put pressure on either of you to orgasm. When a sexual encounter is more about achieving a goal than enjoying the moment, anxiety mounts, rather than pleasure. It is common to form somewhat set masturbation styles. These do not always make sex with a partner easy, and adapting can take practice.

Next time, just enjoy it until you feel your excitement diminishing, then lead or carry her out of the shower and continue in an equally exciting but more climax-friendly position. Recognise that you have an erotically inventive girlfriend and perhaps tell her that, despite your struggle to climax, it was a welcome surprise. Her actions show she is aroused by being sexual in a different environment, and by taking charge. Use this information to increase the fun for both of you. Bathrooms have all kinds of potential surfaces for sex; consider returning the surprise. With such positive and playful tit-for-tat, one can build a fresh, exciting and highly pleasurable sex life.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).

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